Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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