i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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