I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
