If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
