I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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