Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
