my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Someone came in the potted fern
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
