well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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