I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just had sex bonerless
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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