saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
