my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Barsexuality is the new black.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Even my vagina gasped.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
