After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize