I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize