I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
