its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
