Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
