just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Did I show you my penis last night?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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