I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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