he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
