when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize