my vag is so smooth its legendary
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
