the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
