just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
