eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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