GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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