Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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