She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
