No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
