I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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