1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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