I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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