Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
