I think my fart just growled at me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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