I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
