It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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