the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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