This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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