my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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