So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
