I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize