I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
