she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
