as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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