I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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