It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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