Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize