My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
