They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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