Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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