Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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