We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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