I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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