I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
