I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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