I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
