I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
