3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
