The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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