I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
