btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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