I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
