just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
